youareneverright:

carly rae jepson - call me maybe

this is ridiculously funny omg

(photo credit)

(Source: mybuddykeiths-choice-ass)

youareneverright:

youareneverright:

So I went to Barnes and Noble yesterday and decided to grab my ovaries and read the excerpt of Nevermore.

All I could think was WHATWUTWUTUEWF;EN;DVXV ,DFV

First off Max, where the fuck did Dylan get a goddamn motorcycle from. Like, did I miss something in Angel cause I skimmed through that shit faster than Max can go at warp speed.

“I feel closer to the clouds here, more than anywhere else. I wanted to share it with you because… I feel closer to — Angel here, too.” 

My eyes flew to his face, my mouth partly open in shock. Angel.

DID YOU FORGET THAT SHE DIED OR SOMETHING? Like Book123!Max was obsessed with Angel, she would never ever wait to avenge her death. Like, I expected Nevermore to start with:

Snap!

There goes the last neck of the assholes that killed Angel. 

But no, it’s some sappy shit love scene between Max and Gary Sue-I mean Dylan.

“You can’t pretend she was never born,” he said as my eyes narrowed and I pulled out my trusty standby, rage. 

I opened my mouth to snap at him, but he went on gently. “You can’t pretend she never died.” 

Max that fans know

: 

Nevermore Max:

“I know you were programmed to love me,” I said cautiously, rising back in sync with Dylan.
“Maybe I was,” he said. “I don’t know. I just know I do. And I know that love has to go both ways. You might not love me now, but I hope you will in time. I can wait. I’m not going anywhere.”

This is something that I don’t understand what the fuck. This. Is. Creepy. Literally, this is what he was saying. 

Dylan: I love you.

Max: But Dylan the scientists at the schools kind of genetically programmed you to love me. So like, it might not be totally healthy and stuff.

Dylan: THEY ONLY MIGHT HAVE DONE THAT. ANYWAYS I LOVE YOU AND YOU HAVE TO LOVE ME AND IF YOU DON’T LOVE ME NOW YOU’LL LOVE ME LATER. I’LL WAIT. 

Book123!Max: omg knocking you out creeper bai

Nevermore!Max: *silence*

RANDOM SCENE CHANGE!

Fang is just watching Maya beating up copy!Ari and thinking “Good job. Cool. Beat him up! Should I help you? Naw, I’ll just watch.”

Then Maya gets hurt or whatever and then DRAMATICSDESCRIPTION!!!

Suspended. A picture snapped, a painting hung against the endless wall of sky. Still life of a tragedy, Fang thought. He felt a bright wave of distress, his heart thundering out of his chest, but he couldn’t connect the feeling to the image in front of him.

WHAT IS THIS GOSH YUCK BARF AM I READING FIFTY SHADES OF GREY OR SOMETHING?

And then it cuts off.

I used to love this series. I just don’t know any more.

This part: 

“Suspended. A picture snapped, a painting hung against the endless wall of sky. Still life of a tragedy, Fang thought. He felt a bright wave of distress, his heart thundering out of his chest, but he couldn’t connect the feeling to the image in front of him.”

reminds me of this part: 

… Her long hair, still wet from the shower, had been combed down her back in a wet swath. Hilda was sitting on the floor, her round, wet boobs still wet from the shower’s water. She dried off the water with a towel, which then became wet.

Hilda gasped when she saw a reflection in her bedroom mirror: through the slightly open door, she caught a glimpse of the chiseled abs and square jaw of the mysterious stranger who shared her cabin. She stood and spun around, her breasts swinging heavily with the momentum. She grabbed the door and flung it open, revealing shirtless Torolf (which was seriously his name) quivering with desire in the hallway.

Torolf was ashamed at being caught, but his shame made him even hotter – hotter for sex. He stepped into the room, and his bulging abs accidentally smushed into Hilda’s rich chest.

As Hilda’s buttermilk bosoms squished up against his granite abs, Torolf almost had a dick aneurysm.

“Hilda,” Torolf murmured thickly, his throbbing meat wand pressing against Hilda’s warm thighs. “There is a secret I need to not tell you: You are my forbidden desire.”

Hilda had been waiting to hear these words. Her heart was lifted on golden wings and soared toward a radiant sun of perfect joy. She saw herself and Torolf happy together, bathed in the golden light of love. Her snooch got all warm, too.

“Torolf,” Hilda moaned, her lush teats straining with desire. “I need you.”

Torolf, coarse abs pulsing softly in the moonlight, stood silently.
Hilda looked at him expectantly.

“Oh, sorry,” she added. “Torolf, I need you – sexually.”

At hearing those beautiful words, Torolf flexed his rough-hewn abs and Hilda found herself being guided to her soft bed by the sheer force of Torolf’s undulating midsection. She parted her thighs in anticipation, exposing the soft pink petals of her clunge.

Torolf entered her like she was a lottery. His engorged pecker pushed inside her and she felt fulfilled with sexual fulfillment.

Hilda clutched at the bedsheets with lust and ecstasy and her hands. Her spongy love mountains hurled to and fro with each pounding. Her body was like a beautiful flower that was opening and somebody was pushing their dick inside it.

Then Torolf moaned, arched his back, and suffered from dick Parkinson’s. He pumped in all of his hot pearlescent sperms as Hilda spasmed with so many orgasms!

The two lay still for a moment as the stinky scent of lovemaking billowed around the room.

Hilda got out of bed, still shimmering with orgasm. She glowed with contentment, like a cat who ate the cream of the crop.

She walked across the room and picked up her towel, still wet with shower water. “Torolf,” she said softly, “there’s something I have to tell you…”

But her bed was empty.

Torolf was gone, escaped out the bedroom window. In the distance, Hilda heard the fading sound of galloping abs”

Anybody else see the similarities? I won’t be surprised if this is what the Max Dylan sex scene is like. Barf.